Today I Have Chosen to Feel Sorry for Myself
May/13/2007 06:51 PM Filed in:
Personal
How
'bout that for
selfishness? Here it is Mother's Day, and all I seem to be able to
do is feel sorry for myself. I must be cautious as I write because
I do not want to give the impression that this kind of behavior is
acceptable. But it is happening right now. I just feel sorry for
myself!Why? Maybe because I have been changing diapers for seventeen years with no end in sight. Maybe it's because my house is a mess all of the time, mostly because I have a physical disability which keeps me from being able to do any bending and lifting, and because I have teenagers who typically pull up lame when it's their turn to clean the kitchen. Perhaps it is because I used to be a neatness freak, who had to just give up on it after my son began showing signs of cerebral palsy and autism. Or, because we are once again unable to pay for health insurance because the company just doesn't get the checks in on time and I cannot manage what I do not have.
Or, perhaps the biggest thing of all....I know better! That's the worst, because I know these things. I have taught them, prophesied them, proclaimed them and even walked them. But today, I just want to feel sorry for myself. Why is that? I wonder what kind of devils are assigned to Mother's Day? Depression? Apathy? Strife? Guilt? Fear of man? No doubt this is a day when hell is aimed at mothers - at least at mothers who give hell some trouble. Well, in that, I should rejoice. If after all of this, somehow I have managed to make the devil mad, then it is all worth it.
Guilt kicks in and whammo! Suddenly, it is "I haven't done enough: prayed enough or any at all; haven't been able to cook enough meals; help my kids with school; work to take some of the financial burden off of my husband; kept myself looking decent; kept myself thin; worshipped; studied the Word; gotten healed of my condition; gotten my son healed of his conditions; called my mom; called my mother-in-law; paid enough bills or at least communicated my intentions;" and the list just goes on and on. While the Holy Spirit is gentle in His rebukes, the devil is loud and obnoxious and throws it in your face. "See what you have done. See what you've not done. You are a rotten mother; a rotten wife; a rotten human being!"
So what happens when you feel sorry for yourself? You give all of these nasty little devils a place to lay their heads for the night. They want to hang out with you, and they are just waiting for you to show signs of weakness.
All of this is a process. It's okay to have feelings; it's what you do with them that matters. As Christians, we should know and recognize the attacks of the enemy when they come. If you don't think you can handle being around other people, it is okay to excuse yourself. Better to do that than to say something you may regret, and hurt someone's feelings because you are wearing your emotions too close to the surface.
Those of you who know me, know that I am painfully honest. I don't hide much - at least my face doesn't fake things easily. So, I have to be sure that when I am around other people, I am in a good state of mind (and emotion). Today was not one of those days. I have backed out of a mother's day dinner because I know that I would only drag everyone down. Not that I would do it on purpose, but my demeanor would do it. (One of those times when I should put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, as the scripture tells us to do.)
If you can relate to this, then let me encourage you. You can talk yourself out of it! Write down what is bothering you, then carefully go over your list. Take your grievances to the Lord, and then wait for Him to respond to you. He will, but you have to keep still and quiet. Once you have had your communication session, you will notice that the burdens will begin to lift. The more you can talk about things, the better you will feel, and eventually, you will actually talk yourself out of your mood (if you are willing!) Give it a try. I just did it!! Praise God!
